trasformation setback

This year for our anniversary we took the kids to the mountains. Every year we try to go somewhere with the kids around our anniversary and last year we went alone because we never had a honeymoon. We stayed 3 nights in a 1 bedroom cabin, thank God for the pull out couch. ;)

I was so excited while packing about getting away for a few days, that I forgot to pack my workout clothes. >.<  That was my excuse for not using the gym at our cabin resort. I thought I was eating healthy, minus the whole bottle of captain morgan coconut rum that I drank.... by myself! Note to self.... alcohol and fitness don't mix. I already knew that and reality hit me this morning when I did my t.t. comparison pic from week 5 to week 6 (this week). Although I don't have a time frame on my accomplishments, it's disturbing to me that in 4 days..... I went back to looking like week 4! I'm so glad I started the progression pics. Not to be obsessive, but to see my faults and my successes. I'm not a drinker, usually have 1 drink for my birthday every year and that's it, but I felt like I needed the escape from the stress of this year. We celebrated 12 years of marriage,  me getting through school, and family time. We were active.... no where near what I would have done in the gym, but we walked and swam in the pool. That has to count for something, right? I'll just have to take this as a lesson learned and remember not to do it again. I need to work on my self discipline a little more, stick to my meal plan and keep challenging myself daily.

Transformation Tuesday

4 weeks ago, I decided that I was going to keep track of my transformation. I wanted to watch my progress, but I also wanted to inspire others the same way I have been inspired. I joined an accountability group on facebook and I got an ego boost today. Someone asked me what program I'm using..... My response, I'm NOT on a program. Being able to say that, having someone ask me for advice, and seeing results is so rewarding to me. I'm NOT dependant on a supplement, diet pills, or a fad diet.  I'm just being me, went back to my J.R.O.T.C roots and eating clean. I'm not being obsessive, I've learned to accept my body for what it is (a mess, medically). I've had a lot of setbacks, if you've not read my previous blogs. Most recently, I've been diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. I also have endometriosis, chronic back pain, chronic migraines, and a few other intestinal problems that I'll keep to myself. I have to be really careful not to strain my neck while I lift even, 20 lb weights. I don't have a secret.... I eat right and I workout, hardcore at least 4-5 times a week and when I don't workout, I hit up my old high school and middle school (they share a driveway) and I walk/run/run stairs. My normal hardcore workout consists of a combination of things. In my last blog I mentioned "dance fitness with Jessica". That's where I get my inspiration. I take things from her videos and make them my own. That's my warm up. Then I grab 1 10 lb weight and lift and do squats with it. After squats, I give my legs a break and work on my triceps and biceps laying on the floor and with 1 10lb weight. After arms, I work my core with a variety of crunches, v ups, pelvic tilt, and I finish with bicycle crunches as fast as I can through the chorus of timber by kesha. I finish with planks and donkey kicks. I can see a huge difference in my calves, thighs and glutes, a small difference in my abs and in my arms. Eating right is the hard part for me. No one wants to eat what I feel like I need to, and I usually talk myself out of making 2 meals for dinner unless it's a grilled chicken salad or I make a huge bowl of tuna salad, something super easy and fast to make. I think that's where everybody gets stuck, or they're so busy that they eat out a lot. One of my goals is to not eat out. My best friend is getting married in November and I'm determined to get rid of the excess skin. Even after doing all of this, I'm maintaining my weight.... I decided a long time ago that the number on the scale, does NOT and will NOT define me, it's just a number. So what If I'm 150lbs, if I tone it up I'll rock every lb of it with confidence. But if for some reason, I start losing, I won't complain. Who would?? My point is, even though I have seen results, I still have setbacks like everyone else. Just take it one week at a time. Whatever obstacle that's in your way, pray for GOD to get you through it. Be faithful and patient. I prayed and waited 1 year, and my problem was a medical condition that I've had for who knows how long. Keep your faith and keep moving forward.

Reward your body, don't punish it

If there's one thing I've learned from fitness, it's NEVER get comfortable. Once something starts becoming easy, it's time to step it up and man did I step it up today. I've not been to the gym in 4 years and I did more there today then when I had a membership. After a really rough week for me and a stressful one for my bff, I felt like we needed to get together and just work out all of the stress... From June 25-June 30th I have 2 grandparent death anniversaries and a deceased grandparents birthday plus the burial days... It's just not a good week for me. My typical workouts at home consist of dance fitness, which is a total body workout and cardio on the treadmill or walking/jogging around my high school. I recently added stairs to my workout and for the first time today I worked on arms and chest and 100 squats. I've been doing squats for a while, well, over a year, but not in the reps my bff does them. I learned a lot from her today. I have all of this inspiration, my head is spinning with all these ideas and there's not enough time in the day for me to workout as much as I'd like. It's very addicting and time consuming. Learning discipline is hard for me. That's what I'm focusing on now and self control. I watched a video this week about a girl who was socially awkward at the gym... she would compare herself to others and she kept saying just one more and then I can have a taco. It's like running a marathon and going out and eating a whole sheet cake. Yuck!!! Part of my weight loss growth comes from watching and learning from other peoples mistakes. Running a mile just so you can have a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream or a banana split is not worth it and you're running for NOTHING!! If you don't have the right frame of mind and giving it 110% you aren't going to lose weight, you're going to maintain it. The point is to trick your body, challenge it daily except for your rest day. You'll see the results, but it won't be overnight, maybe not for 6 weeks, but you might after 2 or 3 weeks. Everybody is made differently, so many body types and every person adapts to things differently. You have to work to your braking point and say "ok GOD, I've given it all I've got, it's all you from here on out". I'm not talking about overexertion, I'm talking about that 110%. Instead of giving up, get up and get away from the tv, the computer, the phone, put down the cake, the ice cream or junk food of choice and get moving, it's called JUNK food for a reason.

Just a little bit stronger

I've had some set backs this week, but I've also lost 3lbs. I've changed my workouts again, and I've really been watching my binging. Seeing other peoples progress has lit a fire in me. I started following a girl on you tube about a year ago, she does dance fitness classes in Knoxville. She got an offer to make a dvd and her workouts have just blown up social media. This girl inspires me so much, the workouts are so much fun and the music she uses is today's rap/pop music. I love her morals, and the VERY personal way she does her videos. If you're looking for a fun new way to workout and don't want to be embarrassed at a local zumba class, you should check out dance fitness with Jessica on facebook. I've been able to go from a 30 minute workout to a 45 minute workout. I've tried pushing my self to reach 1 hour, but I always feel like I'm going to pass out. I've learned over the years to listen to my body and not over do it. I usually do 30 minutes of the dance videos and 15 minutes of running the treadmill and a variety of crunches. I still haven't used the juicer I bought last year.... *goal for the weekend: Make my first homemade juice. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures

No matter how much I try lately, it seems like for every step I take forward I take 3 steps back. I've always had a bad habit of doing things my way instead of GOD's way. I've blogged about this before but I keep coming back to this subject. I've learned to give GOD every situation, because the BIBLE says that it's HIS job to fight our battles, but it's OUR job to take it to HIM. I have a hard time letting go. I'll address the problem with HIM, get impatient and try to deal with the situation myself and I end up right back where I started.... "GOD, I did it again!". There has to be a way..... I've been impatient all my life and it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, even though I know there is. 

I've been looking back at all of my attempts at weight loss over the past 9 years. I've over come anorexia and depression, I've had my 3rd baby (now 3 years old)  and what seems like the longest list of ever growing medical problems. Each one put a halt to my weight loss. The only positive one being (GOD giving us Eli). 

Talking about some of this isn't easy..... putting it out there for anyone to read. These are very personal things, but I'm willing to come out of my insecurities if that means it will help someone else overcome the fear of going to the Doctor and getting checked out. I'm going to address these in the order I've listed them. 

1.)Anorexia-  Going back to this time in my life is excruciatingly, emotionally, painful and somewhat embarrassing. We were living with my mother-in-law, this was like 2005-early 2007. Not having the ability to purchase a home and Jesse hadn't been an electrical apprentice long, we were struggling really hard to make ends meet even living with his mom. They worked 2 different shifts and I stayed home with the kids. She did her own grocery shopping and I did ours.... for 3 years, pretty much all we ate for dinner was hamburger helper or spaghetti. I had no idea how to make a budget, had no desire to coupon (I still don't really coupon unless I see a really good deal). I don't know what made me think I was fat, but I started to look in the mirror and not like what I saw. I started putting my food on saucers, then I would only eat half of it. It go to the point where I didn't want to eat nothing at all and I wouldn't. One day Jesse came in from work and I told him "I'm sorry but you're gonna have to go finish cooking dinner while I go puke." The smell of food cooking made me sick. That's when I realized I had a problem.This was the only time that I can think of where I asked GOD for help and got an immediate answer. I prayed, asking HIM to help me. The next day, I was eating again. I don't know at what level you would classify my anorexia, mild or whatever..... the point is I overcame it, so that means from now on, I have to fight. Fight hard to keep that chain broken, because for every chain you break, the devil is constantly trying to put it back together. Using weight loss to cripple you...." see, you can't do it.... stop eating and you'll be skinny". What the devil doesn't know is that the temptation is there, but I'm not trying to lose weight to be "skinny", I just want to be healthy.

2.) Depression- This is something I've dealt with since I was a teenager. The death of my mom's dad is what triggered it for me the first time, it took me 15 years to find closure. I also suffer from anxiety (which I'm on medication for) and even though it's sometimes hard to admit you're depressed, it's so amazing what medication can do for you. No, it didn't make me bubbly, like Jesse wishes I would be, it's just not who I am, but I'm not as high strung, I approach things differently and I feel a lot better overall.

3.) Health obstacles- Over the years I've had some complications, but not everything was 100% diagnosed. After I had Eli, we both knew we didn't want any more children. I spoke to my ob/gyn and he agreed to clamp my tubes. While he was performing the procedure, he told me he would be looking for endometriosis since my previous doctor had suspected it. He confirmed that I do have it and that was why I was in pain so often. I was always irregular, never knew when I would start or if it would be 3 or 5 days. I was diagnosed at 11 with ovarian cysts, which my current doctor quickly assured me that I had been misdiagnosed and said it was the endo (It develops at puberty). June 2012 I went back in the OR to have my uterus removed because my pain levels were causing me to constantly be on pain medication. It's almost been 2 years and my pain is almost non existent. I recently went back to get some blood work done to check my hormones (I wasn't prescribed anything after surgery). Everything came back fine except my insulin. With other symptoms and problems like the endo, and current problems and test results, he confirmed that I have poly cystic ovary syndrome. My insulin level was a 6 and he told me I'm insulin resistant. Which basically means that my pancreas is making the insulin, but it's not releasing it so therefore I have to much sugar in my body. I'm not hyperglycemic yet, but if I don't treat it with an anti diabetic medication and go on a diabetic diet, later on in life, I would become a type 2 diabetic. With family history of it, I'm already susceptible, so with being at a greater risk of developing it, I'm taking all the precautions I can to make sure I don't get it.  The p.c.o.s is treatable, he said that my insulin very well may have been elevated due to p.c.o.s and once it's treated, it may go back to the normal range. I do have to follow up on the blood work in a few weeks though to see what's going on. 

I said all of that, to say this.... GOD gives us obstacles like these to make us stronger. I could be a pessimist and say "why GOD???", but instead, I chose to be an optimist and say "challenge accepted". I know in the end, I'll be able to look back and say, " look at what all I've defeated and accomplished" It's going to be so rewarding. Knowing GOD is on my side is all the motivation I need. 

Mind, Body and Soul part 2

As 2013 comes to an end and 2014 begins, new years resolutions will be reflected upon. Did I keep my resolution? what will my new one be?... ect. This year, for me, I can say YES!! Yes, I kept my resolution and I am so proud of myself. No, I'm not where I wanted to be in my original weight loss goal, but I am getting there. Each day comes with new lessons. Some of my struggles are what to eat, what not to eat, what motivation can I find on pinterest today. I think there's way to many options for "me". While it is great to have variety for most people, for me it's a total disaster when it comes to food. Too many options leaves me in a state of confusion and I get overwhelmed and frustrated. Finding your place in weight loss can be so motivating but it can also be depressing. I think of myself as a very complicated person. I over think EVERYTHING, I have to have the answer to EVERYTHING, things have to be in order ALL the time and if they're not, it drives me completely nuts. This is where my people watching, gets the best of me. I start to compare my life with theirs and that's a BIG no-no. NEVER compare your life or you weight loss/lifestyle to someone else. YOU are YOU, you are not that other person. GOD made YOU the way you are for a reason. There is not another YOU anywhere in this world and there will never be another YOU. I can see from personal experience how people can get so discouraged by seeing someone else's weight loss results. Maybe you started your lifestyle change at the same time someone else did and you're about the same weight... they lost more than you or it is more noticeable and it discourages you. There are MANY reasons why that could happen and it's better to just focus on you and your life and not dwell on the fact that it's taking you longer to achieve something that someone else already has. My whole purpose in my lifestyle change is about GOD. It isn't about trying to look good in a bikini again, I could care less about that. It's about being healthy so that I can fulfill GOD's will for the life HE has given me. I'm taking care of the body HE has given me. I've come a long way in a year, I'm so excited to see what GOD has planned for me in 2014.

Mind, Body and Soul part 1

I've taken a break from blogging to reflect on some things. When talking to GOD lately, I hear a lot of "be still" and "be patient". When I hear that, I know that there is a lesson coming for me. I'm a people watcher and social media is a great way to learn from other peoples lives, their mistakes and their good news. It helps me grow but at times it breaks my heart. You see or read that some one who you've know most of your life, is going through a terrible tragedy and you can't help but feel sorry for them. No matter how hard you try, they either don't want to listen or they have so many chains holding them back from GOD that they can't see the light. Those moments, when I see someone in that state makes me one, feel bad for them and I pray and two, I feel so blessed to have the relationship that I have with GOD. Though I'm far from perfect, I am so glad that I've broken those chains. I do have others, many others and I will until the day I die because I will never be perfect. But GOD is working in me, changing me daily and HE shows me through other people. I am reminded each time of how far I've come, the obstacles I have faced, the pain I have endured, and from the tears that have been shed. Slowly but surely GOD is showing me my purpose and I intend to use it ever time HE needs me to. I feel obligated to share my life's experiences and daily testimony so that maybe it will encourage and motivate others to push on. GOD never gave up on me, I gave up on GOD and HE was right where I left HIM waiting with open arms for me to return to HIM. As I write this, I have several people on my mind. Lives lost, confused, overwhelmed, feeling defeated and ready to give up. I'm here to tell you that GOD does do amazing things. And if you'll just accept HIM, HE WILL change your life. So, DON'T GIVE UP. You don't have to fight any battle alone, God says that it is HIS job to fight them, not us. Whatever you are going through, GOD will be by your side the whole time, you just have to accept HIM first. If you're not a Christian, all you have to do is say "the sinners prayer". If you are a Christian and you've had a set back, rededicate your life and surround yourself with GODLY people, start a daily devotional and pray constantly. If you're not a Christian and you want to know what the sinners prayer is, it is simply, acknowledging that Christ is GOD's ONLY son, that HE died on the cross for YOUR sins. You accept HIM to come into your life and save you. Ask for HIM to come into your heart and mind and purify them and to be with you always. End your prayer with In Jesus name, Amen! You have to wholeheartedly mean the prayer. You have to honestly want HIM in your life and not be like me when I was 8 and just say the prayer so you don't burn in hell for eternity. As a teenager I realized what I had done, so to be sure, I said the prayer again and that time, I meant it.

Romans 10:9-10

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Yes, LORD....

These last few months have been really bittersweet. So much has happened to me spiritually and emotionally I feel like I'm going to burst, in a good way!  I feel like I'm going to need to break this blog down into sections so I don't ramble.
Like always, I'm going to let GOD speak through me while writing this blog. Before I begin, I always pray for HIM to guide me through it.

I guess I should begin where I left off from my spiritual awakening blog. I was lost and confused, I thought I had it all figured out. In the last few weeks, I've come to realize that I was talking the talk and not walking the walk. As much as I wanted to believe that I was walking the walk, I wasn't. About a month before we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary I was searching for a gift. I knew that I wanted to find a daily couples Christian devotional for us to do together. I felt like it would bring us closer to GOD and help our relationship. I asked GOD for guidance as I searched. I was looking on a website and there were several books that came up in the search with the daily devotionals. There was one that really stood out, like it was saying oh oh oh pick me, pick me!! I read a little about the book, Love & War and decided that this is what GOD wanted me to do. I was thinking oh,joy!!! As much as I like to write, you'd think that I like to read as well, but the truth is, I HATE reading.

I have to stop and say that while I was ordering the book and devotional, I also purchased several other things as well to go along with our anniversary. We were going away to the mountains for 3 days to have the honeymoon that we never had. When the gifts I had bought started being delivered something unusual happened and I know the devil had a hand in it..... it either didn't fit right (even though it was the right size), it wasn't exactly what I thought I was getting, or it was BROKEN!!! The only thing that was right, was the book and devotional. I was so upset at the way all the other things turned out, but I forgot to be thankful for the one thing that really mattered..... the book, after all this is what was GOING to change our marriage, it was GOING to get us back on track with GOD and it was GOING to make everything better. So the day comes for us to leave. We load up Jesse's truck (an hour later than planned), we drop the kids off then get on the interstate and head north to Knoxville. The whole 2 hours we listened to cd's that we both made for each other with music that reminded us of our love or artists that we both really like.... Traffic wasn't bad, we were making good time and only had to make 1 pit stop. We made it to our destination, but changed our plans for dinner because we didn't arrive until 7pm. We just decided to stop by walmart and pick up some hamburger meat, buns ect and just grill out and hang out at our cabin for the first night. I had checked the forecast that day and the whole weekend was supposed to be beautiful. We pull into the parking lot and the bottom fell out. I was so mad.... so disappointed, "Well, there goes the weekend and everything we planned" said the pessimist in me. By the time we got out of walmart it had stopped raining. We check in at the resort and get to our cabin.... we unpack, Jesse grills the hamburgers while I prep the veggies and set up the table on the back deck.... candles, wine glasses, the whole shebang. I was so ready for this, so needing and feeling so deserving of this time "alone". I felt it was crucial for our marriage that we HAD to have a honeymoon, like our life was going to be so much better if we had it. That night was so amazing.  The cabin had a hot tub and even though it was in the middle of July, yes, we had to get in. The master bath had a Jacuzzi tub and yes, we had to experience that too with bubbles and candles and more bubbles... I had ignored what my mom had warned me about only needed like 1/2 a cap full of bubbles and I just poured it in knowing the outcome!! Jesse turned the jets on and...... Bubbles EVERYWHERE!! the walls, the mirror, the bathroom floor all the way to the toilet. We haven't laughed so hard and so much in such a long time and we really needed that! That night we exchanged gifts (one I received on the way up there, a necklace that he'd hidden in the glove box of the truck, so sneaky). I gave him the book last because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. It wasn't what I was expecting, but it wasn't bad either... just more or less, "yeah, it might help". The next 2 days were as amazing as the first night. A drive through cades cove walking on trails and taking photo with a tailgate picnic afterwards with an amazing view, riding the biggest Ferris Wheel in North America (which was amazing), listening to free live music, walking through the whisky and moonshine distilleries, shopping, and the bass pro shop on the way home! We had a great time!!

When we got home, my intention was to start reading Love and War together. Jesse started working night shift 2 days after we got back so my idea was for me to read it during the day and for Jesse to take it to work and read it on his breaks. It didn't happen that way. Yesterday I finished the book and all he has read is the intro. He's been reading another book that I did't know about so I went ahead and started reading it on my own and I'm so glad I did. GOD knew I needed this book. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Again, I thought I was walking the walk, but I was just talking the talk. A Christian can quote scripture all day long, but if you don't apply it to your life, it can't truly mean anything to you. That's the way I was. I'm not going to sugar coat anything, I thought I had it together, that my relationship with GOD was good. After all, when I prayed sometimes I could hear GOD answer me subconsciously and that must mean "we're good". GOD let me know real quick that I wasn't. The farther along I got in the book, the more I realized that this wasn't the "how to fix your marriage book" it was a "to fix your marriage you must first fix yourself book". It was purely about focusing on yourself, coming to terms with all of your demons and mending your relationship with GOD. And in turn, as a united front, as husband and wife, you face the daily demons and war together. The devil hates it when families come together in Jesus' name and he does anything and everything to come in between you. Love and War taught me so much about myself. It taught me what my weaknesses are, what demons I'm facing and what GOD wants me to work on. I just have to remind myself that when challenged face to face with a demon to not give in but pray it away, deal with the problem and learn from the situation. I can say so many good things about this book, but I feel like every couple should read it for themselves. It was a huge eye opener to me and it's a great start to a better relationship with GOD and your spouse.

Not only did I need this for our marriage, I needed this for me. I needed GOD to point out my flaws. As HE guided me through the book, chapter by chapter I would hear something like, "you do this" or "this needs to change". I have never felt so ashamed and so humbled at the same time before. GOD had heard my cry for help and through this book, HE spoke to me and gave me the guidance I have been asking for, for years! Now is HIS time, right NOW HE's changing my heart, right NOW HE is showing me how to truly seek HIM. A few times here and there HE would show me, like with my weight loss..... I needed so badly to see some results besides looking at a number on the scale. HE showed me that in the mirror one day so I wouldn't get discouraged and quit. HE showed me because I was being faithful to HIM. I prayed before I did my workouts, I told HIM and myself, LORD, I do this so that I may be able to fulfill your will in my life. I do this so I may keep this temple healthy which you have in trusted in me. I do this so that I may be a good example to others- In JESUS name!

GOD can and will do the same for you, you just have to seek HIM. If you don't know how to seek HIM, I challenge you to pray about it. Ask GOD to show you how, to open your heart and mind, to not be deceived. Ask GOD to forgive all of your agreements you have made so that you can fully focus on your spiritual relationship.
 What I mean by an agreement is anything that you do, just because.... example, that's the way I've always done it.... I let people make an impression on me or their attitude rubs off on me. It's like if you don't drink very much and you go out with friends that drink heavily and you get influenced or pressured by them to drink yourself silly. That's an agreement. Or if you work with people who use foul language and they rub off on you and now you find yourself cursing... being around people who influence you in any negative way, with  not only drinking, foul language and attitude problem, but so many other things...those are all agreements. Ask the LORD to free you from all of those things, no matter what they may be, so that all of those chains are gone so that you can be set free!!!

LORD,
I'm praying for those who may have just read my blog and are touched by what they've read. For the believers and non believers who have agreements, for the couple that is struggling the way we have been, for the singles who have no idea what your will is in their life. I pray that you bring peace to them, give them the courage and the strength to fight all the demons that they're currently facing and also the ones to come!Give them hope for their futures! I pray that through this maybe a life is changed and if that is the case then all of the praise and glory is given to you! Thank you for allowing me to be a witness to those who will listen. Thank you for your many blessings in my life and in those whom I love and cherish! Thank you for your unconditional love, even though I am so unworthy, you still chose to die for me and for that I am forever grateful.
In JESUS name,
AMEN!

Finding closure

For as long as there has been life, there has also been death. From the Garden of Eden to today's society we deal with death every day, whether it's personal, we see it on the news or read it on the internet.... death is all around us. Every one of us deal with death differently, just as there are no two people alike, everyone has a different grieving and healing process. The loss of someone you know and love can have a tremendous affect on us emotionally, physically and spiritually.

 

 I'm going to just go out on a limb here and say that more than 1/2 of people, Christians included, YES! I said even Christians, blame GOD for death, when in fact it's not GOD'S fault, it's just part of life. However, there are things or people in life that cause death in some unexpected tragedy which are not in GOD'S control. Let me explain what I'm saying... (Yes, GOD is in control, but HE also gave us a mind of our own to make choices and they're not always good ones. While GOD may allow someone to die from an unexpected tragedy, HE also has a plan. From that tragedy, HE will in turn, make a lesson for someone. There is a purpose for everything HE does or "allows to happen" even if we don't understand it now, we will when it's HIS will.) We're all guilty of accusing GOD for things that happen in our lives, is it HIS fault? NO, it's our immaturity as a Christian. Does it make us a bad person? No, it just means that we have a lot more learning to do. Try telling that to someone who is grieving. To them, they are just words, in one ear and out the other. Sometimes it's better to just be their shoulder and an ear during the grieving process and be the example while they're healing. Having gone through many deaths in my lifetime, I used to think that I could talk someone through the whole death experience. I was wrong!!! I was faced with the opportunity to try that last year and failed miserably. I had no idea what to say. Sometimes, being that shoulder or that ear helps more than you know, them knowing that you're there if you ever need anything means more than anything you could say that they probably have heard from 30-40 or even more people and are more than likely tired of hearing. 

 

One thing I have learned is how differently people react to death. I, personally, push people away but honestly, at the same time, don't want to be alone. I need to be surrounded by certain people who are a positive influence on me so that I don't do something I would regret. Then, there are the drinkers, people who drink the pain (or so they think) away. The truth is, once you sober up, you still have to face it and in the process of your grieving in this way, other people get hurt. People that you love and care about and that love and care about you. Trying to drink your grief away is a very selfish thing to do. YES, I do have the nerve to say this, because I've been there. I know what it's like and I know firsthand how much it sucks. Feeling alone, sorry for yourself, losing someone you love so much and it's overwhelming, it's just too much to deal with and you need to just "check-out of reality for a while". 

 

After a while, you may realize this on your own, there may be an intervention, or some kind of "wake up call" and it's time to "check back in". It's time to realize that no matter what we say or what we do, our loved ones are not coming back. And much as it hurts, you have to admit that to yourself, have a healthy grieving process of crying yourself to sleep, or venting to a friend, whatever you need.

 

 It took me 15 years to find closure and I found it in my Savior. I knew it was there, but because I blamed HIM, of course I ran from HIM. When I hit rock bottom, physically, emotionally and spiritually and decided that the only way I was going to feel better was to rededicate my life and truly seek HIS will, that's when things started coming back together for me. It all started with me coming to terms with MYSELF!!! While on this journey, the most important thing and something that I read the most, is that if you focus on you and let GOD work and continue to make your relationship better with HIM, things will fall into place. I'm currently reading "Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge and it is helping me so much. After reading the intro and first chapter, I knew why I was so drawn to this when I was searching for books and devotions for couples. It is so much like Jesse and me that it's not funny. There is a line in the book that says " God is going to use your marriage to get to issues in your life HE wants to address". This is a perfect example..... Things happen in life, GOD allows things in life to happen and later reveals HIS plan!! We may be blind in the moment, but if you seek HIS will, HE will make it known, and the important part to remember is to seek HIM!!!!!

Matthew 6:33

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

John 14:27-29

27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe.

Colossians 2:5

5 For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how disciplined you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

A spiritual awakening

I amaze myself sometimes. I get so worked up and so emotional about some pretty petty things. This week has been a continuation of last week. I just went back and re-read last weeks blog about being faithful, talk about taking your own advice, it was a smack in the face. And it got me to thinking, how many times do we get so mad, frustrated, overwhelmed and your better judgement gets so clouded that we forget about what's important; I've written so many blogs about my heartache and learning and growing from that but the truth is, if I'm still dealing with this kind of thing, then I really haven't grown. I really don't know where I am in my life right now. I know I'm not where GOD wants me to be, but I know at least I think I know that I'm on the right path. And no, I'm not in church every Sunday morning, I make excuses. I've fought this demon for so long but I refuse to let him win. This whole time (the last 8 years) I've been going about it all wrong. I've said in the past that when I have a problem I don't worry about it, I just automatically give it to GOD. Every time something bad happens, every time something doesn't go as planned or my way. Now, the problem is my perspective!!! GOD knows about these petty things, and while HE is worried about them/fixing them the bigger problem is me! The saying you are your own worst enemy is true when it comes to me. If I could just focus on my growth and being the faithful servant I'm supposed to be, the rest will fall into place. GOD doesn't want us to want for anything, HIS job is to provide for us, the way a husband is supposed to provide for his wife/family. I have been so blind lately, so deceived, and worked up over petty things. I have been so selfish, thinking about me and how this or that affects me, what does this mean for me!! I'm ashamed of myself. Just when I think I'm strong, GOD reminds me that I'm still weak and need HIM! I know I will never be strong enough to not need HIM, that's not HIS plan. HE wants us to need HIM, to depend on HIM, HIS love, mercy and HIS grace. Lesson learned LORD, time to move on to the next one. 

Being faithful

Where do you draw the line between being open, but not too open, sharing your testimony, but not revealing your entire life (like anyone has time to read your life story). I believe that if someone is going to learn from my mistakes, I need to share even the most embarrassing details, but my WHOLE life isn't everyones business, my life isn't an open book. So I have no idea where to draw the line.

This week has been challenging, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's so easy to throw in the towel when things get tough. It's easier to say "I'm done" than to fix the problem. The truth is, by avoiding the problem, you're creating a new one by covering up the other. I was reminded that when you have faith in GOD, anything is possible. You never leave your partner when you're in a fire together, you work together as a team to overcome the demons in your past and in the present that you're facing. Even when things look completely hopeless, GOD can still perform miracles. This has been my temptation this week. I've been fighting my biggest demon, myself. God has done some amazing things in me but I know I'm far from where HE wants me to be. Changing isn't easy, but when you let the LORD change you, the most challenging part is having patience while you wait. There is a point where you have to die to yourself and only live for the LORD.

If Barbie was a real woman

If Barbie was an actual woman, she would be 5'9’’ tall, have a 39’’ bust, an 18’’ waist, 33’’ hips and a size 3 shoe. 

 Barbie calls this a “full figure” and likes her weight to be 110 lbs.

·         At 5'9’’ tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. She likely would not menstruate.

·         If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

·         Slumber party Barbie was introduced in 1965 and came with a bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs with a book entitled “How to Lose Weight” with directions inside stating simply “Don’t eat.”

I found this on another blog and I had to share. It made me think how many girls compare themselves not just to Barbie, but to their peers. They don't yet understand that everyone is created differently and it's our job as parents to teach our daughter & our sons that their bodies are beautiful no matter the shape or size. It is also our job to teach them to be healthy, to teach them good eating habits and to encourage them to do physical activities to stay fit. That also includes being a role model for them, to practice what you preach. If they see you doing it (especially at a young age) they'll want to do what mommy and daddy are doing too. Same goes if you just sit around and watch t.v. or you're on the computer all day. At the end of the day we all want our kids to be happy and healthy. I challenge everyone to look in the mirror and reevaluate what you're showing your kids (or other kids), are you being a good example? Are you showing them things in a positive or a negative way? I do this daily and it helps alot with my growth as a Christian, a wife and a mom. And I'm always looking for ways to better myself and my kids.

Week 25: A spiritual make-over

I know I've mentioned this a few times already in previous posts, but when I started this lifestyle change it wasn't just an external fitness change. I made the decision and go by the motto "mind, body and soul". I pray before my workouts and when I'm having trouble getting through a routine, I crank up the Christian contemporary music as motivation. I made a promise to myself that I would change everything. I am not the person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even last year. While I've been growing up (as a Christian) I've noticed a huge change in me. While I still do get mad sometimes, my temper isn't as bad as it once was and I feel like I'm more understanding and will look at all sides of an argument and try to figure out a solution as opposed to pouting because I didn't get my way. I just realized that until now, I've only been keeping up with my physical external weight loss and not the positive things happening to me spiritually. While writing this the song "While I'm waiting" comes to my mind. It talks about being patient and faithful to GOD while you're waiting on HIM to change you/your life. And how it's never easy but with HIS strength we can overcome any obstacle or tragedy that life may throw at us. Today I am thankful for a loving GOD who I know I can put my trust in, for HIS love which never changes (for anyone), but most importantly I am thankful for HIS sacrifice. HIS willingness to be faithful to HIS FATHER and to fulfill HIS will so I can live eternally with HIM. I am so ashamed that I let my selfish pride get in the way of my relationship with JESUS. So many things in my life could have been different had I just been faithful to HIM. I am forgiven and I am thankful.

I am so glad that I'm seeing results in the mirror, but more importantly, I'm so thankful GOD is showing me the changes HE has made within me.

Weekly diet blog:week 25

Nothing has really changed this week. My weight is fluctuating back and forth which is normal but I'm down 2 pounds.  I started looking up zumba routines on youtube and I have to say that it is some great cardio. If you're looking for something fun, that doesn't seem like exercise or something you really have to work at zumba is for you! Of course like any other dance, the hard part is learning the routine and doing it by yourself isn't as fun as if it were with a group but it doesn't really bother me. After stretching for 10 minutes and 2 zumba routines,  my warm up is complete and I start on my abs. My daughter noticed a change this week which made me happy. We went to the lake to swim (and yes I wore a bikini, I hate 1 pieces) she said WOW momma, you really are losing weight! I'm so glad that I can look in the mirror and see a difference. It gives me temporary satisfaction and the motivation I need to continue on my journey. I was too lazy to workout downstairs the other night, so I just rolled out the yoga mat on the living room floor. When I was done, my 2 year old toddler was doing a plank. lol Next week it's back to tuna and peanut butter and more advanced abs.

weekly diet blog: week 24

So it's been 6 months since I started my lifestyle change. 

The pic on the top is from January and the one on the bottom was taken last week. I know it's kind of hard to see but that's the best pic I have from January.

I've changed my routine up since my last post. I'm still eating clean, but I've changed my portion size again and I'm doing a more aggressive workout to help get me out of the plateau that I'm in. I've lost 2 more lbs and 1 1/2'' off my waist. So that's a total of 27 lbs lost. I'm so glad I'm doing this on my own. No gym, no supplements, no diet pills, just guidance from the LORD, clean eating, exercise, motivation from my husband and self-discipline. I don't remember if I've posted about this yet or not, But when I decided to start this lifestyle change I prayed, I prayed hard. And every time I exercise, I pray while I stretch for GOD to guide me through the workout so I can accomplish and do HIS will. I need to take care of this body HE has given me and I give HIM all the praise with everything I have accomplished. When I'm working out and I feel like I can't give anymore, I just remind myself of the cross. If HE could do that for me, then I will do this for HIM!! 

weight loss blog: week 17

So I'm still stuck in my plateau. I decided to take a week off from exercising but not my eating habits and I've been able to maintain my weight. Not exercising did cause my endo to act up though. :/ I'm going to start strong again on Monday with some intense ab workouts and a more intense meal plan. I'm gonna attempt the military diet again, 3 days on and 4 days off to jump start more weight loss (hopefully). Time to stock up on tuna and peanut butter. 

weight loss blog: week 16

2 weeks ago I found a new obsession..... smoothies. It's become a nightly thing lately. I had one when I was a kid and didn't like it, so I was a little reluctant to try it again, but I decided to buy one of those frozen smoothie packs (which turned out to only be frozen fruit) So I just started buying frozen fruit. I fell in love with this.... It tastes just like a pina colada.  1 cup frozen fruit, 1/2 cup of the v8 smoothie and 2 tablespoons of the oikos yogurt = AMAZING!! :) So much better than all of those calories in ice cream.

Diet Blog: Week 14

I know I suck at weekly blogging, but thankfully, I don't suck at my new lifestyle. I've made it to the 1/2 way point in my goal, now the hard part begins. In the last month I've bought some really great running shoes and an exercise band and I've added the treadmill to my workouts. My only problem is that I lack creativity in the kitchen. Normally it wasn't a big deal, but now that I've completely cut out certain things from my diet it's so hard to make something from the same types of foods. I'm so sick of eating the same things every day, but I know in the end I'll be so glad I did this. Hopefully in the next few days I can find the time to look up some recipes.

Weight loss blog: Weeks 4 &5

The last 2 weeks have been really stressful and I was to busy to blog. Good news, I haven't had a weight loss set back. I wasn't able to workout for two days due to a crick in my neck, but other than that I've maintained my eating habits. I have to say though, I'm getting really sick of eating chicken. I have so much on my mind right now and I'm really scatter-brained and distracted by the blaring music from Justin Bieber thanks to my 8 year old daughter... so I don't know if I've mentioned this before.
For the most part I have eliminated processed foods to the best of my ability, mostly canned veggies and mac n cheese (which I'm not eating at all :(  ) My meals lately, especially dinner, have included chicken, asparagus, spinach, red bell peppers and onion. All of which are high in protein except for maybe the onion. I'm focusing on a high protein/ low carb diet. Tonight I really surprised myself though. Instead of sauteed spinach, I made a spinach, tomato and red onion salad and made a homemade blueberry dressing with some left-over fresh blueberries that I froze. The dressing turned out really good. I broke down last week and bought a blender and now I can't wait to make some homemade frozen yogurt later.

Goals for the week:
 1: become more culinary creative with chicken.
 2: add the treadmill to my workout.

Now I'm gonna go try out my new yoga capris!

While I'm waiting

For me, this song goes beyond what it was used for in the movie Fireproof. It's about relying on GOD through out your daily struggles and needs as a Christian. This song means so much to me (the movie does too) but it reminds me of how far I've come in the last 2 1/2-3 years. GOD has truly blessed me and I will forever be grateful. With this song, I have learned to have more faith in GOD, to lift my hands, open my heart, let the tears fall and praise HIM with my whole heart! I never knew a song could me so much to me. This song by far, is the most meaningful one I have ever heard and there is so much truth in it!! 

LORD, I will serve you while I'm waiting and I will worship while I'm waiting. Even through the toughest storm I will wait!! I will hold my head high in confidence and be obedient to you, because I know you will always see me through every day! Thank you for loving me and dying for me! In Jesus name, Amen!!!!!

While I'm Waiting :

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am hopeful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it is painful 

But patiently, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 

Takeing every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting I will serve You 

While I'm waiting I will worship 

While I'm waiting I will not faint 

I'll be running the race Even while I wait 

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am peaceful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it's not easy 

But faithfully, I will wait 

Yes, I will wait 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting 

I will serve you while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord