No matter how much I try lately, it
seems like for every step I take forward I take 3 steps back. I've always had a
bad habit of doing things my way instead of GOD's way. I've blogged about this
before but I keep coming back to this subject. I've learned to give GOD every
situation, because the BIBLE says that it's HIS job to fight our battles, but
it's OUR job to take it to HIM. I have a hard time letting go. I'll address the
problem with HIM, get impatient and try to deal with the situation myself and I
end up right back where I started.... "GOD, I did it again!". There
has to be a way..... I've been impatient all my life and it seems like there's
no light at the end of the tunnel, even though I know there is.
I've been looking back at all of my attempts at weight loss over the past 9 years. I've over come anorexia and depression, I've had my 3rd baby (now 3 years old) and what seems like the longest list of ever growing medical problems. Each one put a halt to my weight loss. The only positive one being (GOD giving us Eli).
Talking about some of this isn't easy..... putting it out there for anyone to read. These are very personal things, but I'm willing to come out of my insecurities if that means it will help someone else overcome the fear of going to the Doctor and getting checked out. I'm going to address these in the order I've listed them.
1.)Anorexia- Going back to this time in my life is excruciatingly, emotionally,
painful and somewhat embarrassing. We were living with my mother-in-law, this
was like 2005-early 2007. Not having the ability to purchase a home and Jesse
hadn't been an electrical apprentice long, we were struggling really hard to
make ends meet even living with his mom. They worked 2 different shifts and I
stayed home with the kids. She did her own grocery shopping and I did ours....
for 3 years, pretty much all we ate for dinner was hamburger helper or
spaghetti. I had no idea how to make a budget, had no desire to coupon (I still
don't really coupon unless I see a really good deal). I don't know what made me
think I was fat, but I started to look in the mirror and not like what I saw. I
started putting my food on saucers, then I would only eat half of it. It go to
the point where I didn't want to eat nothing at all and I wouldn't. One day
Jesse came in from work and I told him "I'm sorry but you're gonna have to
go finish cooking dinner while I go puke." The smell of food cooking made
me sick. That's when I realized I had a problem.This was the only time that I
can think of where I asked GOD for help and got an immediate answer. I prayed,
asking HIM to help me. The next day, I was eating again. I don't know at what
level you would classify my anorexia, mild or whatever..... the point is I overcame
it, so that means from now on, I have to fight. Fight hard to keep that chain
broken, because for every chain you break, the devil is constantly trying to
put it back together. Using weight loss to cripple you...." see, you can't
do it.... stop eating and you'll be skinny". What the devil doesn't know
is that the temptation is there, but I'm not trying to lose weight to be
"skinny", I just want to be healthy.
2.) Depression- This is something I've
dealt with since I was a teenager. The death of my mom's dad is what triggered
it for me the first time, it took me 15 years to find closure. I also suffer
from anxiety (which I'm on medication for) and even though it's sometimes hard
to admit you're depressed, it's so amazing what medication can do for you. No,
it didn't make me bubbly, like Jesse wishes I would be, it's just not who I am,
but I'm not as high strung, I approach things differently and I feel a lot
better overall.
3.) Health obstacles- Over the years I've had some
complications, but not everything was 100% diagnosed. After I had Eli, we both
knew we didn't want any more children. I spoke to my ob/gyn and he agreed to
clamp my tubes. While he was performing the procedure, he told me he would be
looking for endometriosis since my previous doctor had suspected it. He
confirmed that I do have it and that was why I was in pain so often. I was
always irregular, never knew when I would start or if it would be 3 or 5 days.
I was diagnosed at 11 with ovarian cysts, which my current doctor quickly assured
me that I had been misdiagnosed and said it was the endo
(It develops at puberty). June 2012 I went back in the OR to have my
uterus removed because my pain levels were causing me to constantly be on pain
medication. It's almost been 2 years and my pain is almost non existent. I
recently went back to get some blood work done to check my hormones (I
wasn't prescribed anything after surgery). Everything came back fine except
my insulin. With other symptoms and problems like the endo, and current
problems and test results, he confirmed that I have poly cystic ovary syndrome.
My insulin level was a 6 and he told me I'm insulin resistant. Which basically
means that my pancreas is making the insulin, but it's not releasing it so
therefore I have to much sugar in my body. I'm not hyperglycemic yet, but
if I don't treat it with an anti diabetic medication and go on a diabetic diet,
later on in life, I would become a type 2 diabetic. With family history of it,
I'm already susceptible, so with being at a greater risk of developing it,
I'm taking all the precautions I can to make sure I don't get it. The
p.c.o.s is treatable, he said that my insulin very well may have been elevated
due to p.c.o.s and once it's treated, it may go back to the normal range. I do
have to follow up on the blood work in a few weeks though to see what's going
on.
I said all of that, to say
this.... GOD gives us obstacles like these to make us stronger. I
could be a pessimist and say "why GOD???", but instead, I
chose to be an optimist and say "challenge accepted". I know in the
end, I'll be able to look back and say, " look at what all I've defeated
and accomplished" It's going to be so rewarding. Knowing GOD is on my side
is all the motivation I need.